Car Problems: Fighting, Car-Seat Wars and More!
By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

Question: It never fails. The minute I pull out of the driveway it starts. “She took my pen!” “She pinched me” “He’s looking out MY window on purpose!” If there was a car with two soundproof boxes instead of a back seat I’d be the first in line to buy one.

Think about it: You strap two energetic children into a space the size of a toy box with no escape route. The fact that they happen to be siblings complicates the matter, since they have a hard time co-existing in an entire house, let alone this little space. It will take a specific plan of action to change the way things are.

Get serious: When the bickering starts, calmly pull to the side of the road. Get out, pull out your checkbook and pretend to read it (or take this opportunity to balance it!) Within a minute or two, your children will call out to ask what you’re doing. Announce, “I can’t drive with the fighting going on. Let me know when it’s over.”

Plan a “training session.” Head for the toy store, or some equally exciting place. As soon as the ruckus breaks out, announce that you refuse to drive with the fighting going on and turn around and go home. Let the kids be mad at you. The impact will last, because for future trips you can announce, “If the fighting continues we will go home.” And they know that you’ve done it before and could do it again.

Create “car rules.” Write them down and keep them in the car. Review the rules each time you get in the car. Plan a consequence for breaking the rules. For example, kids who break the rules get to clean the car when you get home.

Keep ‘em busy: Boredom can encourage fights. Keep books, travel games, car bingo cards, or radio headsets in the car. It’s also helpful to keep a few healthy snacks, such as dry cereal or pretzels, on hand. Kids who are occupied or snacking are content and less likely to fight.

Take advantage of the time: Ward off fights by using the time to talk to your kids. Ask thought-provoking questions, recount the events of the week, or play guessing games.

Sing! Turn on your favorite radio station, or play a favorite tape, crank up the volume and sing.

Question: My kids put up a fuss about wearing a seat belt and getting in the car seat. We argue about it every time we get ready to go somewhere.

Create a habit: Habits are a powerful thing, and after 21 days of wearing the belt, or riding in the seat, it will no longer be an issue. So, fight the battle for 21 days by staying firm and in control. Live by this rule: “We do not drive until everyone has a seat belt on.” You can refuse to even get in the car until everyone else is buckled. If you look like you have all the time in the world (look through your wallet or put on your lipstick.) The kids will respond. (Letting them know you are in a hurry and their compliance is holding you up can cause kids to dawdle and complain, hoping you’ll let them ride without a belt just so you can get going.)

Make the seat fun: Let the child play in the car seat at home, sit in it to watch a movie or decorate it with stickers. If it becomes more of a personal possession, then it will be more inviting in the car.

Keep them occupied: Keep a box or bag of “car toys” that can be played with “as soon as your seat belt is buckled.”

Have a contest: “I bet I can get in the car and buckle my seat belt before you can!” Make a big show of “hurrying”; fumble a bit so your child can win. Make a big production of her winning. Say, “Next time I’m going to win for sure!”

Question: Every time we get in the car, the kids fight over who gets to sit in the front seat. I’m really tired of it.

Think about it: After the third car trip of the day you finally screech, “NOBODY gets to sit in front!! Just get in the car!!” Why do we do it? Why do we get angry over the same issue over and over again without finding a solution? Do we honestly think that one day our kids will approach us and say, “Guess what, Mom? We’ve decided that since the fighting bothers you so much, we’ll never fight over the front seat again. Isn’t that good-hearted of us?”

Assign days: If you have two children, assign one child the even days of the month, the other the odd days. Use this as a standing arrangement. All you have to know is what day of the month it is. Of course, some days you’ll not travel at all, and some days you’ll travel quite a bit, but over the long haul it evens out. Calmly explain this rule of averages each time a complaint arises. For three children, assign each two days of the week. On Sunday, either the front seat stays empty or they can alternate. (Keep a note pad in the glove box to keep track.)

Assign permanent seats: At first the kids will express outrage at the injustice of such a preposterous idea. But after a week or two of hearing you say, “Everyone get in your assigned seat,” they will accept it, maybe grudgingly, but who said your kids have to always be happy with your decisions? You can change assigned seats on the first of every month, if you desire.

Play to win: Keep dice in the car and roll for seat choices (highest number picks first and so on). Or use a deck of cards to draw for first choice.
Enlist the cooperation of your children. Express your distress at the situation and ask them to come up with a solution. Often, if you ask kids for their help, and treat their ideas with respect, they will come up with the best solution for them.

Put an end to it: Use accident statistics to solve this problem for you. Children are 30 percent more likely to survive a car crash when they’re sitting in the backseat rather than the front. The National Transportation Safety Board has asked states to consider legislation to make it illegal for children under twelve to ride in the front seat. Australia and some European countries already have front seat restrictions. Also, cars with air bags carry warnings recommending that children not sit in the front seat due to dangers caused by deployed air bags. In light of this information, you can post a rule in your car stating, “No children under twelve in the front seat.”